Break My Fall
by Ash-ash-ash
Summary: AU. Dean meets Castiel, a musician/writer who has been labelled as crazy, but has really just been beaten down by life. A strange mix of angsty fluff, interior decorating and eventual porn. Warnings for mention of suicide attempt. Complete.


**I've put in Sam and Gabriel but they're really just stuffing. Part of my mood inspiration was the song Sometimes They Drop By by The Raveonettes. I like the spacey wacey feel of it. Go on youtube and have a listen if you want.**

* * *

><p>Dean went into the office building where his friend Gabriel worked to give him the coat he had forgotten at Dean's the day before. Even though it was Summer, the weather wasn't stable and suddenly it would pour down with rain so Gabriel really needed his coat. As he came into the common area, he saw Gabriel hanging out in the sofas with a few of his colleagues. He worked for a computer software company and they pampered their employees so there was vending machines everywhere and little kitchens to make tea and coffee along with a few sofa groups. Dean went over and sat down, tossing the coat to Gabriel.<p>

"Great! Thanks, Dean. I really don't want to get wet today."

Dean sat for a while listening to the conversation. Two of Gabriel's co-workers were talking about some new software that had just come on the market, Dean recognized one of them as Sam, Gabriel's other good friend. Their conversation didn't make any sense to Dean so he turned his attention to the three people at the other end of the sofa group.

"Are you offering?" Dean heard one of them say and saw him smile enticingly at Simon, Gabriel's supervisor.

"Wait, are you trying to pick me up?" Simon said.

"Yes, but you should know I have the papers to prove I'm crazy, so it might not be that flattering," the other man said, eyes twinkling hazily.

The men laughed. "Well, thanks for offering, but I'm married," Simon said.

Dean looked at the other man. He had never seen him before and thought he might be a new co-worker of Gabriel's. He got up and went to the vending machine and Simon turned to Gabriel asking: "Is he really crazy?"

"Well, he's had some problems and had to see a shrink for a while. I think that's why he's been labelled as crazy," Gabriel said.

"Well, he was on Prozac for a while," Sam said. "I'm not sure if he still is."

Dean looked at the man. He was standing in front of the vending machine and jumping a little on the spot as he tossed the coins in the slot. Then he came back and sat down, eating his chocolate bar and looking at Dean, who gave him an unsure smile.

"Hello," the man said to him.

"Hi," Dean said and looked away. His eyes were an intense blue, laced with something; maybe crazyness, Dean thought.

Then Marty, one of the young kids who worked as an intern, came over to them with an electric guitar in hand.

"Cas, will you look at my guitar? One of the strings is making a rattling noise when I play."

Cas, as it were, took the guitar and played a few chords. "It sounds fine," he said.

Marty took it back and tried it himself. It sounded fine at first, then there was a destinct rattle. "Listen, it's doing it again."

Cas looked at him and said: "Try playing without pulling your middle finger down."

"Oh," Marty said and looked at his fingers, then struck the chord again. It sounded fine. Then he tried playing it while pulling his middle finger down and sure enough, the same rattling noice occured.

"Oh," Marty said again. "Sorry, my mistake."

Cas smiled at him. "It's ok. All beginning is hard." He got up and went for a cup of coffee and Dean asked Gabriel who he was.

"He's a friend of mine," Gabriel said.

"You've never mentioned him before."

"No? Hmm... Well, he's a musician who's recently moved back here and bought a house in the country."

"He's also had some novels published," Sam said.

"Oh, yeah," Gabriel said.

"And his band was quite famous ten years ago," Sam finished. "It was called Falling Rain."

* * *

><p>When Dean got home he went on Wikipedia and typed in 'Falling Rain' purely out of curiosity. He had stayed at the office for a while and Cas had seemed a little like an overtired child. He smiled equally at everybody, his eyes always having a sheen to them. The entry on Wikipedia told Dean that Falling Rain had been a somewhat successful rock band ten years ago but they had split after two of their members had been killed in a car crash. They had been hit by an oncoming car that had been speeding and had died instantly. The singer and bass player now lived in New York with their wifes and the singer also had a son. It went on to say that Castiel Novak, the guitarist, had disappeared for a while and then formed a new band called Strangers. They had split after five years and Castiel now lived near his hometown where he recorded his own music, which he distributed through iTunes. He shied away from public appearances and never gave interviews. There were unconfirmed rumours of a suicide attempt after he had lost both his grandmothers and his mother within 18 months of his band mates dying. He had had three novels published, the newest called 'At Death's Door'.<p>

Dean leaned back in his chair and sighed. No wonder Cas had lost his mind. That kind of thing would be tough on anybody. He went on iTunes and typed in Castiel's name. There were four albums to chose from. The earliest one had music based heavily on guitars and random noise. The songs were about death, sex and getting drunk. Dean bought a few of the songs he liked the most. The second one was pure retro inspired guitar music. The next one was a little lighter in the mood and had an 80s feel below the guitars. Dean liked that better and bought a few of the songs. The last one was a bit of the guitar music again but with a darker twist. He also bought a few of those songs. As he was listening to the songs he went on Amazon and searched for Castiel's books. He found 'At Death's Door' and read that it was set in a fantasy universe, where a young boy had to go on a journey to look for his missing father, only to find himself at Death's door. Dean surmised that Death was an actual character in the book. Without knowing why, he ordered the book.

* * *

><p>The next morning, a Saturday, he got a call from Gabriel, asking him if he wanted to come to Castiel's for lunch. Surprised he agreed. Gabriel picked him up an hour later and they drove to Castiel's house half an hour outside town. When Gabriel pulled into the driveway, Dean spotted Castiel roaming around in one of the bushes off to the right. When he stood up, Dean saw he had a chicken in his arms. Dean couldn't help smiling. They got out and Castiel greeted them with a smile and a welcome.<p>

"This one always gets out. I don't know how she does it," Castiel said and started walking off to the left of the house. Dean followed while Gabriel went inside. Castiel went over to an enclosure with apple trees and threw the chicken over the fence, proving that chickens could sort of fly, because this particular chicken flapped her wings and landed softly on the ground sounding very displeased at the manhandling. There were about ten chickens in the enclosure and Dean asked why there were apple trees in there.

"The chickens eat the pests so I don't have to spray the apples," Castiel explained.

"Oh," Dean said. That was clever. They went inside the house, a white rectangular thing with a blue door. Gabriel was sitting at the dining table with Sam and Arthur, another of his friends who Dean had met a few times before. Castiel went and turned the oven on. He was making salmon covered in sesame seeds and Dean felt how hungry he was. He asked if he could take a look around and Castiel said he could go anywhere he liked.

Dean looked around the house. It was tidy and very clean. There were no superfluous decorations or knick-knacks. The hard wood floors were shining and on the wall at the end of the living room was a painting made up of three big pieces of wood panel. The painting was a scene from a rainforest and there were a lot of animals hiding around the scenery that you only noticed if you looked at it for a long time. Against the wall to the right was a dark grey sofa with a chaiselong attached at the end nearest the painting. In front of it was a coffe table in plain light wood and against the wall opposite was a low cabinet where the TV was hiding behind a door. On either side were two chairs in charcoal grey with high backs. On top of the TV cabinet were a few books, a lamp and a pink orchid. Above it hung a painting that had a fantasy scenery on it with what looked like tiny people running around in big overcoats and capes. The colours were mostly brown and grey with a little dark green.

At the opposite end of the room was the dining table. It was a big plank of wood, very sturdy and could seat ten people around it. The surface was completely empty.

The kitchen was opposite the dining area to the left when you were standing in the living room. It was a good size and was also void of clutter. There was no microwave, no toaster and no other kitchen appliances. The fridge was a 60s retro model in red. The kitchen cabinets looked like cherry wood and the counters were laminated in light oak. In the wall between the kitchen and the dining area was a door to the pantry. Dean opened the door and saw shelves filled with jars of pickled cucumber, jam and cider and other interesting looking things. It was all homemade. He went down the hall to the left of the dining area and went into the first room on the right. It was where Castiel kept his instruments. There was a window opposite the door and it had a white lace curtain to keep the sun out. In the corner to the left of the window were two drums, one of which Dean recognized as a snare drum. In the other corner were a couple of acoustic guitars and a black guitar bag that contained Castiel's beloved Fender. There were some speakers, some tuners, microphones and a lot of wiring and pedals. There was also a small keyboard and what looked to be a mixer and recorder of some sort. Next to the door was a big wooden trunk and when Dean looked inside he saw more cords, headphones and pedals, all arranged very neatly. On the two walls hung two big woolen blankets. They had been attached to a long piece of wood at the top and then attached to the wall, again very neatly done. When Dean later asked what the deal with the blankets was he was told it was for the acoustics when Castiel was recording.

The room next to the music room was filled with paint and canvasses and Dean realized that the paintings in the living room had been made by Castiel. The corner to the far right had a square of linoleum so the floor wouldn't get smeared in paint. There was an easel with a canvas where the blurry background of a beginning town scenery had been painted. Against the walls were some more paintings and Dean looked through them curiously. They showed a strange world with strange creatures and imaginary buildings. But they were very well painted.

Dean went into the hall again and in the room opposite was the bedroom. It had a bed with a light wooden frame and a headboard. The bedspread was a quilt in white, light blue, purple and magenta colours. The window had a bamboo blind and a musselin curtain in a plum colour that softened the light coming through the windows. There was a tall wardrobe in the same colour cherry wood as the kitchen cabinets. Apart from a bedside table on the right side of the bed and a wicker chair in the corner next to the window, the only other thing in the room was a plum coloured rug on the right side of the bed. Above the bed was a poster of an old world map with pictures of four men in the corners. It looked like a replica of a much older map.

Dean went back to the kitchen and saw Castiel had put the salmon in the oven and was taking plates out of the cupboard. Dean went and offered to help and through the kitchen window he saw a vegetable garden outside. It was lush and green and looked like it could feed a small army. Everything was straight and there were no weeds as far as Dean could tell. It pretty much looked as tidy as the house. Beyond the garden, Dean spottet two ponies in the field. The smaller one was light brown with a wild beige mane and tale and had sturdy legs, the bigger one was blackish brown and wide across the chest.

"Who owns the horses?" Dean asked.

"The little one is mine. Her name's Maeve. The other one belongs to my neighbour across the street. His name's George," Castiel said.

"Cute," Dean said, surprised. He hadn't pegged Castiel as a horse lover. "Do you ride her?" he asked.

"I mostly use her with the wagon in Summer and the sledge in Winter if we have snow."

"Oh," Dean said, still surprised. He went to set the table and saw Gabriel disappear into the music room. A moment later, music sounded and he called out to Dean and the others that it was Castiel's latest recordings. It was different to the other music Dean had heard from Castiel. A bit spacey but it was still heavily laced with guitars making it irrevocably Castiel's.

Sam went to the kitchen to help carry out the food. There were potatoes with butter and parsley, a salad of lettuce, tomatoes and feta cheese, pickled cucumber and the salmon with sesame seeds. All homemade, apart from the cheese and the salmon, which had been bought at the fish monger.

Gabriel turned the music off and they sat down to eat. It was a great meal and they had a good time chatting. Afterwards, they relaxed in the sofa group and had coffee and cake. Dean suddenly realized it was 6 o'clock and he had to be going. He didn't want to go, though. He had had a great time and he really liked Castiel. He couldn't understand why he had been called crazy. He was a bit special, granted, but why should everybody live the same way and have the same opinions?

Castiel had contuniously made fun of his own crazyness. He insisted that he indeed was crazy and therefore Dean shouldn't take notice of the things he said, but he said it with a smile and a glint in his eyes that made Dean unsure whether he was serious or not.

As they were putting their coats on, Gabriel said: "Whenever we're here, time disappears. Castiel has given his home such a nice vibe that people love being here and they forget everything else."

"Yeah, I've had more than one fight with my girlfriend because I've come home way too late," Sam said, smiling crookedly.

Dean suddenly remembered they hadn't done the dishes and he offered to help with them but Castiel said he didn't mind doing them alone. He liked cleaning up after company.

"Yeah, it's part of his therapy," Gabriel said, smiling cheekily. Dean was again surprised at how they could make fun of it.

* * *

><p>The weekend after, Dean got a phone call from Castiel asking him if he wanted to come by for dinner. Since Dean had had such a good time the week before he accepted. He drove off to arrive around 5 and was surprised to find that he had been the only one invited. Not that he minded. He had received the book through the mail and really liked it, even though it was a strange world the young boy lived in. Castiel gave him a tour of the property and when they went to say hello to the horses, Dean felt a little frightened of George. Up close, he was huge, his hooves almost as big as plates. He had a broad back, legs like tree trunks and when he sniffed Dean he had to lower his head to reach. But he was very calm and liked being scratched behind the ears. They went to the vegetable garden and it still looked immaculate. Dean said it seemed Castiel was very interested in gardening.<p>

"Oh, well I am, but it's part of my therapy," he said and smiled at Dean.

"Is everything part of your therapy?" Dean couldn't help asking.

Castiel drew in a breath and chuckled. He almost looked drunk. "Yeah, in a way I guess. I mean, gardening makes me relax, painting helps me get rid of my worries and music helps me express my feelings."

That made sense to Dean. "What does cleaning do?" he asked, knowing it was a bit of a rude question. But Castiel didn't get offended.

"It makes me feel in control." He chuckled again and said it was time to make dinner.

They went to the kitchen and this time the menu consisted of smoked mackerel, fried potatoes, green beans and peas from the garden.

"Dessert?" Castiel asked after they'd eaten.

"Sure," Dean said and watched as Castiel took two bowls from the cupboard. Then he cubed an apple and sliced a banana, dividing them into the bowls. He crumbled a macaroon on top, sprinkled some vanilla sugar and finally poured some yogurt over. It turned out to be quite good.

Afterwards, they did the dishes together and then went to sit on the sofa. Dean was bursting with questions about Castiel's life but he knew it had to be a sore point and he didn't feel it was his place to ask such personal questions.

"Do you like men, Dean?" Castiel asked.

"Erm, uh, well..." Dean stuttered, surprised at the bold question.

Castiel smiled at him. "Sorry, should I have sugar coated that question?"

"No, no, I was just surprised, that's all. I, err...Yes I like men," he decided to go with.

"Good, because I'm a man and I like you," Castiel said, looking at him with those hazy eyes.

Dean felt his cheeks burn. He found Castiel very attractive but he couldn't get around the 'crazy' thing. He didn't know if he wanted to get involved with a person who may or may not need to be medicated to stay within the range of sanity. There was also the suicide rumour.

He was going to say something but all that came out was a surprised sound. He looked down, unsure how to react.

Cas moved his head down in an attempt to catch his eyes. "Dean?" he said.

"Yes?" Dean said, head snapping back up. Very uncool, he thought.

Castiel smiled with sad eyes. "During the day I have my music, my paintings, books and garden to keep me company, but when I've gone to bed I'm alone and I don't have anything to fill the void."

Dean felt sorry for him.

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

Dean thought frantically. In the end he had to say no. "It's not that I don't like you...I just don't know you that well...," he tried to explain.

"Don't worry," Castiel said. "I understand."

Later, when Dean had left and was driving home, he regretted his decision. He resolutely turned the car around and went back. The house was dark. He knocked on the door and had to wait a minute before it was opened. Castiel was standing in only his underwear.

"Hey," Dean said a little unsure.

Castiel smiled at him and stepped aside so he could enter. When he had closed the door and turned around Dean pulled him in and held on to his waist while he kissed him. Castiel put his arms around Dean's neck and sighed into the kiss. They made their way to the bedroom and Castiel went to the wardrobe to find a tube of gauze, which he put on his left wrist. Dean felt a stab in his heart because he figured Castiel wanted to hide a scar. So the rumours must be true. He quickly took his clothes off and lay with Castiel on the bed. Their kisses were needy and wanting, Castiel holding on to Dean like he thought he might disappear into thin air at any moment. They were caressing each other's bodies, sighing and moaning. Dean spared a thought to think when he last had had sex but couldn't remember. Then he focused solely on Castiel's soft, willing body. Castiel turned his back to Dean and positioned himself on all fours with Dean holding on to his waist, leaning down close. Dean kissed his neck and back and Castiel whispered: "I want you to fuck me. Please. Please."

Dean raised himself off the bed so he was on his knees and pulled Castiel with him. "Don't beg. I don't want you to beg," he whispered into his ear while kissing it. It broke his heart to hear Castiel say those words. He grabbed the condom from the bedside table and rolled it on, then he lined himself up with Castiel who was on hands and knees again and pushed in slowly. Castiel groaned. "Oh, yeah," he whispered and sighed. Dean began to thrust carefully until Castiel was more relaxed. Then he leaned over him and took him harder and faster. He reached around for his cock and started to stroke him. Castiel was moaning loudly, whimpering his pleasure. When Dean could feel Castiel was about to come he stopped completely, leaving Castiel to cry out at the sudden loss of pleasure. Dean pressed hard against him, making Castiel whimper; a high thin sound that drove Dean wild. Once they had both completely calmed down he started to thrust again. Slowly at first, building up excitement, then faster and harder. For the second time, he stopped just as Castiel was ready to come, making him groan with disappointment. Dean pressed against him and gave him a quick sharp thrust making Castiel give a short "Oh". "You like this don't you," he whispered in Castiel's ear. "Being owned like this. Being fucked apart." He didn't know where those word had come from. He had never talked like that before, but this situation required something outrageous. Castiel could only make a noise to say "Yes. Yes he did." Dean began to thrust again and this time he took them both all the way, Castiel almost screaming, coming over the sheet in a long stream, and Dean crying out loud as he spilled inside Castiel, his whole body shaking.

They collapsed next to each other and didn't do much else besides yank the sheet off the bed before they fell asleep, buried under the covers.

The next morning, Castiel asked Dean if they could do it again some day. Dean said only if that day could be today, and Castiel agreed.

Dean decided he wanted to get to know Castiel, warts and all. He couldn't help feeling a little protective of him, wanting to make his life a little better than it had been so far. He really deserved it.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading. This has a sequel called In And Out Of Control.<strong>


End file.
